Oh Baby!

In less than 6 months, life as I know it will be completely different; I am going to be a mother!

I realize that the moment this comes to fulfillment, my life will never be the same again. Once a mother, always a mother; No matter how old kids get, a mother will always love, serve, and want to protect her children. In a way I feel like God has been preparing me for this my whole life, but in another, I feel vastly unprepared for the challenge ahead. Really, can anyone ever be fully prepared for the dramatic life change that comes with parenthood?

Of course I love a challenge, so I am looking forward to the time when I will be stretched beyond belief. I know things wont always be easy, but I also know full well that it will be in those moments of weakness that God will grow me, and teach me. I just finished reading “Gospel-Powered Parenting” by Willian P. Farley and it made me realize that entering into parenthood is going to be one of the ultimate tests of my faith. How I choose to love and raise my children will be a reflection of my relationship with God and my spouse.

Even though I will be used as a vehicle to bring new life into this world, and most women say it is the happiest day of their life, I never want to forget that I am first a lover and follower of Christ, second a lover and helper to my husband, and that third a mother to my children. When sharing my priorities with a family member a few weeks ago, they seemed a bit appalled at the thought that I would want to put my children 3^rd on the list. Usually people put their children at the very top. I know it may get tempting in the future, but I don’t want to go with the norms of society. I fully believe that If I keep my priorities in the following order: God, Matt, children, and then whatever else such as career, and extended family and friends, I will do a much better job of meeting the needs of my kids.

“Gospel-Powered Parenting” made me realize that if I constantly show my children how much I love God, and how much He loves me, they will have a much better understanding of God themselves. By displaying my life, thinking, and behavior revolved around Jesus Christ, I will be providing them with an example of what Christ centered actually looks like. If I show them how God exists in our marriage by the simple acts of daily service and kindness between Matt and I, they will have a much better understanding of how to tangibly express Gods love onto others. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5 that God created the institution of marriage to proclaim the gospel. If we make our marriage a higher priority than our children, our children will be able to witness first hand the beauty of the gospel in our marriage, and be irresistibly attracted to it.

Having my future children 3^rd on my priority list doesn’t mean I will care or love them less than other parents love their children. And it doesn’t mean I will be spending little time with them either. I will love them just as much, and be an integral component of their everyday lives. By having my priorities in this order, I will be reminded that I should press on in the pursuit to love my Maker, and my husband even more!

I guess when it comes to feeling prepared for parenthood, I don’t mean knowing how to properly change a dirty diaper, or knowing what baby stroller to buy. What I am asking myself is whether or not I am ready to fully take on the role and responsibilities of parenthood while meeting the needs that my savior and my husband desire of me. I know having a baby is an all-consuming job. As I prepare myself mentally and spiritually for the year ahead, I pray that God can strengthen me, and discipline me. I know that I am far from perfect. I am not righteous in the slightest bit. Nothing good dwells within me apart from God, so I cannot actually do an excellent job in any of these roles without Him. I trust that by mentally putting Him first, He will help me actually fulfill it though my actions, and allow me to meet the needs of my husband and soon to be children : )

God You are it for me. Besides You, there is nothing that can compare to your love, your glory, your righteousness and your holiness. Oh you are so Holy! I need You. I am utterly dependent on You. Help me love You more. Help me show You that I love You though my actions. Help me love Matt more. Help me put him above myself, above my needs and wants. Lord God help me love my children with all that I have, but help me never forget that You are my number one. Help me be a righteous mother. Help me be like the woman described in Proverbs 31. Give me the tools I need to care for my family, to be a righteous example for them. Help my marriage show our children and others your love, your Gospel. Lord God prepare me for this new time! Guide me. Allow me to never be swayed by the world. Allow me to be completely focused on you, no matter what seasons may come. Amen.

Love <3

Agape: the Greek word representing the sacrificial love God has for us.

Agape love is not a love we as humans can give. This love in no way compares to the romantic mushy feeling we feel when we’re “in love.” It doesn’t compare to the paternal or maternal love we have towards our parents. It isn’t even the type of brotherly or sisterly love we share with our siblings or friends. It is a pure love that comes from God alone towards the most unloving, impure of all… us.

God is love. God is agape love.

I tell God how much I love him constantly. My love for Him is the greatest feeling of emotion I possess. But even though I feel there is no greater feeling I could possibly hold within me, I know full well that my love towards Him will never come close to His love towards me. I love Him because He loved me first. I love Him because He never ceases to love me. For every aspect of who I am, good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, faithful, or unfaithful, His love towards me will never end.

His love is pure.

His love is undeserved.

His love transcends all things.

His love is for all, forever, always.

I think about the magnitude of my love towards Him. Even though it has grown and evolved into something deeper with every passing year, it will never be like His. His love does not grow. It’s as big as it’s going to get and it’s always been that way.

He IS love.

I am nowhere close to being love. On the contrary, I have learned to love. God has taught me how to love throughout my lifetime. He has taught me how to love him through the practice of loving others.

The first love I ever knew was the love towards my parents. It has been easy for me to love God as a father even from a very tender age because I had experience loving in that way from infancy. My utter dependence and reliance on Him goes back to childhood. I remember being 6, and absolutely delighted to be turning 7, my father’s favorite number. I remember feeling like a loved daughter who would somehow be pleasing her daddy by turning 7. Silly I know, but even at that young age I had a loving relationship with my Father.

The second love I knew was the love I have for my siblings, and for my friends. It wasn’t hard to love the Holy Spirit as a friend and helper, because I already knew how to love someone like that. I remember longing to feel the Holy Spirit’s presence when I was a teenager, calling on him, begging the Lord to fill me up with him, to overcome my body with his power, and to use me in this world through his spirit. Getting to the place where I felt I could actually do the work and miracles that Jesus did on earth, and even greater things than he, took a huge level of growth in my love towards him. I could not only view Him as a father when I wanted Him to enter in and use me as a disciple. I had to see Him as someone who could come down to my level, teach me, and trust me to do his work. He became my best friend, and most trusted confidant.

The third Love I came to know was the love I started feeling for Matt when we began dating. The butterfly in your stomach, giddy type of teenage love I had for him, that still springs up on me from time to time. I didn’t experience this type of love with God until I was in college. Only after I had experienced it with another human being, was I able to experience it with Him. It is awesome! My love for God grew from father, to friend, to now lover! But what’s wonderful is that “lover” is not where it ends.

Now that I am married, and I have realized that much of what loving your spouse entails is sacrifice, I think I am beginning to understand the kind of love God the father, and Jesus Christ the son have for me. I am by no way saying I know what it is like to love the way God does. I have no idea how to love humanity in its entirety for all they are, because I am the definition of love. Lol. I wish I could love just one person like that. I cant even imagine what loving Matt 100% of the time for every single part of who he is would even look like while still being me. The one thing I do know is I have experienced times where I have chosen to put my selfish feelings down, in order to show my husband love. These glimpses in time are what have made me realize how great the magnitude of Gods love for me really is.

His love is insane!

No matter how hard I may try to love just one person with this type of sacrificial love, I will never ever truly comprehend how deep, how wide, how vast, how everlasting and never changing Gods agape love is towards us all.

Even though I am far from it, I am so blessed to know of it. There are millions of people who do not know how much their maker loves them. They don’t know the insane magnitude of love God is putting out there for them to simply receive. There is nothing we can do to change his love for us. It just is, as he is. We can all be blessed by it. I am blessed to know it exists!

I love you God. Thank you for loving me!
Help me love you better than I do now.

Thank you Lord…

1. Because the rain makes flowers grow
2. Your sun kisses me even in the coolest of days
3. Every snow flake is uniquely and infinitesimally different
4. Our planet spins on its axis without falling out of orbit
5. Thank you because even in the darkest of nights you have promised us day
6. Thank you for the diversity among organisms in this planet
7. Thank you for the beautiful long necks you’ve given giraffes so they can get their nourishment
8. Thank you for the mysterious way in which chameleons adapt to their environment
9. Thank you because you have given fish the capacity to obtain oxygen from water
10. Thanks for the transformation caterpillars undergo to obtain their wings
11. Thank you because you have made every person uniquely who they are
12. Thank you for giving me hands so I can create like you
13. Thank you for blessing me with a spirit of creativity
14. Thank you for two feet that allow me to walk, and run towards higher grounds
15. Thank you for giving me the chance to vault into the sky
16. I feel so blesses to have a pair of eyes that allow me to see your wonderful creations
17. Thank you for allowing me to afford glasses so that I can see your world as you have made it
18. Thank you for a nose that allows me to smell everything from cinnamon to coffee
19. Thanks for the intoxicating effect Matt’s cool water has on me
20. Thanks for allowing me to smell a putrid Mexico City dump so that I could never forget the people I met there
21. Thank you for attaching memory to smell
22. Thank you for allowing me to store thoughts in my brain
23. Thank you for the memory I have of my grandmother
24. Thank you for allowing me to grow my schema
25. Thank you for my taste buds that help me find joy in mint chocolate chip
26. Thank you for the salt of the world
27. Thank you because with the sense of touch I can feel my loved ones warm embrace
28. Thank you for making me ticklish
29. Thank you because you formed me in my mothers womb
30. You predestined me before I was born
31. You knew my days before they were yet created
32. You loved me before I loved myself
33. Thank you because you blessed me with a family who has loved me
34. Thank you for the sacrifice my parents made so that I could have choice
35. Thank you for choosing me
36. Thank you for allowing me to choose you
37. Thank you for having patience with me
38. Thank you because you have revealed yourself to me from a very tender age
39. Thank you because I can hear you
40. Thank you because you hear me
41. Thank you for the way you use Matt to show me how much you love me
42. Thank you for his sacrificial love
43. Thank you for sending your son to die on the cross for me
44. Thank you because these past 18 months of marriage have been absolute bliss
45. Thank you because you are growing me as a wife
46. You are growing me as a friend, a daughter, and sister
47. Thank you for the genes that make me related to Sindy and Abel
48. Thank you for the helical DNA design that allows me to be exactly me, but exactly half of my mother and father
49. Thank you for every single dying and regenerating cell in my body’
50. Thank you for the constant inner workings between the proteins in my body
51. Thank you because there are an infinite amount of processes happening in my body at any given second
52. Thank you because all those processes are working in unison to give me a another second of life
53. Thank you for every breath my lungs have inhaled
54. Thanks for the lifesaving gasp of air you gave me after being submerged in the Nile for what seemed to be an eternity
55. Thank you for the furious strength I experienced that day from your gushing waters
56. Thank you because being away from home makes me cherish it even more
57. Thank you because you have a special purpose for my time here in Dallas
58. Thank you for Emily’s friendship
59. Thank you for the Smiths and their incredible generosity with us
60. Thanks for the blessings you continue to pour into my life
61. Thank you for the blessings that are still to come
62. Thank you for giving me the desire to have lots of children
63. Thank you for the 22 kids you have entrusted me with this year
64. Thank you for the growth my 22 little ones where able to make in my first year of teaching
65. Thank you for the Children in Uganda you do not allow me to forget
66. Thank you for giving Matt and I the desire to adopt
67. Thank you for the children you will bless us with
68. Thank you for the desires of my heart
69. Thank you for allowing me to know my parents longer than my mother knew hers
70. Thank you because I appreciate every day of life you have given my parents
71. Thank you because you have allowed me to experience many loved ones deaths
72. Thank you because you have shown me how fragile life here on earth is
73. Thank you because my life is but a moment
74. Thank you for your promise of eternal life
75. Thanks for your promises of peace
76. Thank you for humbling my very being by making me out of the dust
77. Thank you for your constant reminders of my shortcomings
78. Thank you because without you I am nothing
79. Without you I accomplish nothing
80. Through you I experience true love
81. I experience true joy
82. I find true acceptance
83. Thank you for accepting me exactly the way I am
84. Thank you for seeing all the bad in me, but still choosing to see the good
85. Thank you for helping me see the good in others
86. Thank you for being my example
87. Thank you because you have made me to worship you
88. Thank you because you have allowed me to sing to you
89. To dance to you
90. To jump for joy when I praise you
91. Thank you for the heat I feel when I experience your presence
92. Thank you for the tears that stream when you touch me
93. Thank you because you have given me gifts of the spirit
94. Thank you for the plans you have for me in ministry
95. Thank you because you constantly challenge me to be a better person
96. Thank you because you willingly use me in spite of my shortcomings
97. Thank you for giving my life purpose
98. Thank you for not revealing all of your plan, but leading me incrementally though it
99. Thank you because you are full of surprises
100. Thank you because your plans are far better than anything I could dream of
101. Thank you because you seek justice
102. Thank you because you are a fierce warrior and will destroy all evil
103. Thank you because you will return
104. Thank you because I will be part of your kingdom
105. Thank you because I will be able to praise you for ever and ever

Rest

I want to take a nap, but I’m afraid that if I fall asleep, I won’t wake up until tomorrow. Today was a rough day. I woke up with a headache, and even though I took ibuprofen, and made sure to drink plenty of water, I didn’t feel better until around 2 (8 hrs after I woke up). To top things off, around the time I began to feel better, the heat in my classroom turned on, and it felt like a sauna for the last hr of class.

I AM SO TIRED GOD. I don’t even know why. I haven’t been that sleep deprived, I think it’s an accumulation of the homesick blues, the months of the relentless pursuit of success as a teacher and grad student piling up, and the lack of time I have been able to spend with Matt. I miss him. It sounds silly, but I do. I live with the guy, but it seems like I haven’t been able to spend much quality time with him since he started working. He has THE WORST schedule. When I wake up, he’s asleep, when he wakes up, I’m at work, when I get home from work, he just got into work, and when he comes home, I’m the one asleep. I’ve tried to stay up just to see him, but doing that has made the next work day seem very long every time. It is no easy feat trying to pretend energy for 8 hrs straight to begin with, let alone when I am are sleep deprived.

I think part of the stress/ headaches are also from the impending work I have to get done. My schedule is so overwhelming. I don’t feel like I ever get a break… probably because I don’t. I hate that I am this busy. I never want to be as busy as I am now. I don’t even get rest on the weekend. Why do I always seem to get myself into these situations God? The only reason I am doing this Master’s program in a year is so I can get home sooner, but it’s killing me. I want to cry… With the schedule I made, it is doable; but it requires absolutely no rest for a year. “It’s just a year,” that’s what I told myself last spring, but I don’t know how I feel about it now.

I don’t seem to know where to draw the line of work and rest. Pastor Diane always says “do your best, then rest,” but how do I know when do rest if I don’t think working towards my best ever stops. Matt says my best is unrealistic. For me, it means working without rest, and giving it my absolute all until the goal is met. Trying my best always leads to obtaining the goal, no matter how hard that goal may be to attain. So far in my life, that strategy has always worked. Right now my goal is to be a better teacher than I was last year, growing all my kids including the ones with special needs 1.5 years in 180 days of school. It means getting a 4.0 GPA while working full time, and also applying and getting a good paying-rewarding job in RI by this winter. Working my best means that I get recognized by my principal, mentor, professors, and husband for meeting all my roles to the most excellent degree. I know to some this may seem unrealistic, but I think it’s possible if enough work is put into it. (So far I have been meeting my goals, I am completely on track… the only problem is I’m exhausted!) The dilemma here lies in whether I want to work like this for the remaining school year. I want the rewards, but on days like these, I can’t seem to find the energy to work non-stop. I want to take a nap, but feel guilty for the time I would loose.

I don’t know how to rest. I find it so hard to will myself to do it. It makes me feel like I’m lazy, like I am not a hard worker; it makes me feel like I am wasting my time. I think I get this from my dad, but no it cant be, because even he, the most hard working person I know makes time to rest. Lord please change this in me. I want to know what it is like to rest in You. I want to rest in your presence. REALLY REALLY rest in you presence. Not just for a half hr a day. Not just while I’m driving in my car and outwardly praising your name. No, I want to feel your rest and peace in my life throughout the day and weeks and months. I want to rest as a form of worship to you, without feeling guilt. Soak me in your word. Soak me in your peace.

Help me be a testimony to all at work, and in my life. Help others see the calm and peace that only comes from you when they see me. Help me adopt the kind of lifestyle I desire to have when I am a parent. I don’t want to Not have time for people who are important to me. Help me prioritize relationships. Help me not feel like I’m wasting my time when I am building into relationships here. I feel like this is something the enemy is doing in me to keep me away from sharing Gods love and message. If I make tasks my priority, instead of worshiping God through my life, and speaking into others lives, what kind of disciple am I?

That’s just it, I’m not. I want to serve You Lord, but all I’m doing is serving my own desires of being praised, and honored by my works. I have absolutely no reason to do that if I have you in my life. You are enough for me. You love me for who I am. In spite of what I do, not for what I do, you love me still. Thank you Lord. I am undeserving of your love. I am undeserving of our relationship. You give and give and give. All I have to do is fully receive. It is so simple… yet I find it so hard to accept. You give me life, you give me peace, you give me joy, and love, and comfort. You accept me, and yet I work tirelessly to gain the acceptance, and praise of others. I am such a fool!
-Why don’t you get it Jen!
-I get it; I just don’t act on it.
-Well start NOW!

-What does it mean to act on it?
It means putting God first, putting the relationships He has blessed me with before work and school. It means that as a servant of God, I choose to serve him first with my life, and testimony. It means that I fully accept and live out the life of someone who has received full acceptance, full love, full joy, full peace, full comfort, full revelation of his Glory. AMEN!!!

Help me get there Lord. I feel like I have seen glimpses of all this, but I want more. I need more of you, and less of me. More of you and less of me. Fill me, fill me, fill me until there is no more space for anything but an overflow of You!!!

Just let me cling to you… Jesus

14 months since I last wrote, and I am coming back with the same feelings of unfulfillment in this life, and in my walk as a lover and follower of Christ: I don’t feel like I am living a life that is fully pleasing to my Lord.

As I drove back home after a routine Wednesday consisting of waking up at 6:00, getting ready in 15 minutes, dedicating 30 minutes to God as I ate my oatmeal, traveling to work from 6:45 to 7:00 as I listened to my “inspiring worship music” play list, getting my classroom set up between 7:00-7:30, tutoring Kevin, Jose, and Aaron between 7:30-8:00, teaching the daily reading, writing, social studies, math and science objectives with utmost enthusiasm to 22, ten-minute attention span 5 year olds at varying levels of mastery, doing my very all to meet each one exactly where they need to be meet in both skill and learning style in order for each to grow 1.5 years of content in 180 days of teaching, dismissing them by 3:15, having a meeting until 3:45, having trouble with the copier until 4, heading off to my childhood physiology class, being actively involved in the seminar, even though I barely had time to skim the reading, going to see matt at work to catch him for his break at 8:30, driving back home from 9-9:30 (now with the absolute worship play list), starting to taste my salty tears  as I slowly pierced my voice crying out the lyrics “I want to take your name… Jesus….Just let me cling to YOU… Jesus.”

At this point in the day, I am crying and I don’t care if the person waiting for the bus next to me is staring.  I am crying because I am singing this song, and even though I desire to “take His name”, I realize today, and every other day for the past year and a half has been full of other desires that have overtaken what my one true desire should always be. The other worldly desires of wanting to spend time with my husband should not preoccupy my mind more than my desire to be with God. My students overall Kindergarten mastery should not take up the 90+ hrs I dedicate to see their growth when I am only leaving 3-4 hrs a week to pursue my own growth with Jesus. I should not care so much to dedicate the time I do in order to get straight A’s in grad school. What does my report card with God say? I bet you if there were one, I would probably work harder to ace that one too.

In reality, if there were a report card, Jesus’ blood would probably allow me to get pretty good grades, and it really wouldn’t be as bad as I am making it out to be. As I teacher, I realize that in so many ways my Job IS a ministry. I realize I am serving those that are the least that Jesus talks about. I realize that by showing my students love, and by teaching them to the best of my abilities, I am honoring God.

I realize that as a wife, I am now sacrificing much in order to honor and serve my husband. I know I have grown a lot concerning my submission and respect towards him, and that even the simple act of folding his clothes like I did tonight even though I had to finish up an assignment for class tomorrow, and even though he had two full days off and could have found the time to do it himself, I am somehow honoring God.

Somehow that is still not enough for me. I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling my duty as a worshiper and follower of God. And no its not a guilt, thing, its more of a desire thing. I desire, and long for it to be more!!!!

The woman that cries out to the song, is morning the ideal relationship she wishes she could have with her savior. The kind that exists in heaven, the kind that does not cease to worship, worship, worship his name. That’s all I want to do. I simply want to cling to you Jesus. Just let me cling to you, Jesus. I am in love with you!!! I am so in love with you, and I hate that my schedule, and my world is taking time away from simply worshiping you without ceasing. I just imagine the angels who sit at your feet, worshiping holy, holy, holy….I want that Job!!!!! Sign me up! I simply want to worship you forever and ever. Nothing else matters, worshiping you is what I was meant to do. I feel like nothing else will ever satisfy.

I tell people I look forward to death and they think I’m crazy. But in all honestly, I can’t wait to be in heaven worshiping your name without interruptions. This world is so full of interruptions. I know that you are using me here Lord. I know. I know you have Matt and I in Dallas for the time being. I know you are using me as a teacher, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I know, and I trust your plan.

I just think I realized why it never seemed enough for me before. The plans you have for me in this world are wonderful, but they will never compare to what I was truly and wonderfully created for; to worship you, to cling to you, to take your name, JESUS.

I need direction

Life is good right now. Actually, it’s the best it’s ever been.

Yet,

I never seem to feel like I’m truly living my life to the fullest. I have always believed that no matter what I do if I am making a positive difference in people’s lives I would be very happy. When thinking of possible careers, teaching was something I have always had on the back of my mind. I’m currently testing it out, but even though I only started teaching kindergarten 10 days ago, I already know this is not making me feel fulfilled. I enjoy it and I think I’m naturally pretty good at it, but it doesn’t make me feel good about the way I’m using up my time here on earth. If you don’t know me well enough, I have one of the most productive mindsets of anyone you may ever know. I hate hate wasting time. I always want to be doing the most productive thing I can possible do. These past few months, being surrounded by kids, have made me realize I don’t want to work with kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, I want to have lots of them. The problem I have with kids is that there is no room for deep spiritual conversation. Haha its actually illegal for me to share my faith with them. I know I want to live a life where I can make an impact in peoples lives for eternity. This job is just not it.

Making 22 five year olds excel in academics is just not exciting enough for me when I compare it to the possibility of being used by God to save the eternal lives of many more. I know I don’t necessarily have to have a full time ministry type job in order to be used by God in this way, but with my productive type of attitude, I feel a life dedicated to full time ministry is the only way for me to feel productive.

To be honest, I don’t know what I want right now. The other career I have had in mind is in medicine. I have imagined working as a an emergency surgeon, dealing with many life and death cases, really having the opportunity to talk about God to people who are at a point where, under their circumstances, are willing to listen. I would love for God to work miracles of healing though me, and for me to be used in the LIFE fight as a Doctor.

I guess there could always be so many options between being a surgeon and dedicating my life to full time ministry. God I need direction. Are you telling me where to go? Am I letting my flesh and mind get in the way of the message you are trying to send me? I just want to please you. I want to honor you though my life to the fullest capacity. I know I am not doing so right now. Show me. Clearly show me where it is you want me to go and what you formed me to do.

I know that I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, but I am.  I worry that I will make a decision that will prevent me from living a life that fully pleases you. Help me Lord. You are the only one who can make this clear for me. Help me.

Diane

Last night I felt a tug in my heart to go talk to a woman sitting alone by the pool. Matt and I live in an apartment complex. We went out to do some late night grilling. At first I thought no one was out there, and then I saw her. She was sitting down by the pool with her feet in the water. I could not see her face; she just seemed to be there relaxing and maybe reflecting under the dark night sky. I told Matt I really felt like God was telling me to go talk to her. He said, ok go do it. But I was afraid. I wanted him to do it. He is always so much better at introducing himself to strangers. I don’t know why this fear came into me. I thought back to the summer of 06 where I spent a month in Acadia National Park as part of a Campus Crusade for Christ summer project. That summer all I did was approach strangers and share my faith with them. Why did that seem like so long ago at this moment? I thought of how easy it was to share my faith in Africa, and wondered why it was so hard to do it here. Why wasn’t the courage building up inside me to approach her? I thought back to all the times I have felt this feeling before and instead of doing what I felt God was telling me to do; I ignored his voice and walked away. I remember every single one of those moments. I regret every single one.

I thought back to the message pastor Diane gave one Friday night at Brown. She was talking about being used by God. She said God wants to use you, and even though you say you want to be used by him in big miraculous ways, you often don’t do what he asks of you. That’s me exactly. I know God wants to use me in huge ways. I say there is nothing else I want more in life. I tell him I want to be used in miraculous ways. I ask him to use me in a mighty way to prophesy, and to heal, to teach, and to save the lives of many. The image I have in my mind of the ways God can use me is grand. But after the message pastor Diane gave that night I realized that God doesn’t just use people like that if they haven’t proven themselves worthy. Pastor Diane says God first gives you little jobs to see if He can later trust you with the big stuff. She told us a story about a comb that has really stuck with me. As she was praying for a visiting pastor she felt that God told her to go buy the man a comb. She thought that was ridiculous at first, but even though she felt strange doing it, she was obedient and bought a comb for him and gave it to him. Although strange, this comb actually was exactly what the preacher needed. He had thrown his last and only comb away in a fit of rage with God. Pastor Diane giving him that comb really touched this man’s life.

I know God sometimes, if not all of the time, tugs on my heart to do strange and uncomfortable things. The instances where I have listened to his voice and approached the people he has asked me to, have been incredible for both my faith and the faith of others. I know he has given me a gift; he speaks to me about other people because he wants to use me to reach them. I need to listen to his voice by acting on the instructions he gives me. I can’t disregard his messages. If I want to be used in great and miraculous ways, I need to be willing to start with the small jobs God has for me.

Last night Matt gave me the courage I needed to go talk to this woman alone. He told me that I had to do it by myself. He told me he was not going to help me because it was something God wanted me to do. He was right. (Thank you Lord for using Matt to encourage me in that way). I went up to her, approaching her from the back. When she turned around, I realized she was crying. I was a little shocked that she was in tears because the whole time I thought she was just relaxing by the pool. It made sense now why God wanted me to go over and talk to her. I asked her if she was ok, wanting to possibly talk about what was troubling her, but our conversation actually went in a different direction. We talked about her daughter, and my new marriage to Matt. She was very friendly. I wish I had asked her if I could pray for her at the moment I saw her wipe away her tears, but I didn’t. I regret not doing that. I am glad God gave me the nudge to go talk to her, but I’m upset that I didn’t take the conversation further.

This little experience really helped me open my eyes to the lost opportunities made when I don’t act according to the instructions God gives me. God wants to give me opportunities to testify his name in miraculous ways, but first I need pass the daily tests and instructions he lays down for me. Diane is the name of the woman I saw sitting by the pool. I pray that Diane stays in my mind, as a reminder to follow through with the instructions God places in my heart. I pray this experience serves as a reminder and motivator for me to never disregard the voice of the Lord calling me to stand up and act in the name of God’s glory.